What do you think your diagnosis is, spikes?

You sound super duper depressed to me and as such, your judgment is severely impaired. Sorry, but it takes one to know one, kind of. Been where you are before.

Anyway, because of the current judgment impairment, making a critical life decision is really, really not advisable, especially a permanent and forever one. What you need is some help.

Have you ever tried Ketamine or lithium before?