Today’s session ended up being a significant one. R started the call and said that she had received my email, but not had a chance to reply.

‘Sorry about that. Shall we start with how you are feeling in this moment?’

‘My shoulders are up around my ears, as per.’ Out of nowhere, I dissolved. R asked me whether I had cried at any other point this week, and I shook my head.

‘I didn’t want this to happen!’ I then went on to clarify that I was talking about my crying.

‘That was what I thought – you can’t plan this. I saw you shaking your head in disbelief.’

‘There’s no point in me trying to compose myself…’ I managed, just before I crumbled again.

‘You don’t have to hold it together. It’s OK to feel like it’s all too much. You mentioned in your email feeling guilty about your feelings in light of the pandemic. Is that coming back again, if it ever went away?’

‘If it ever went away being the operative phrase.’

‘It would be inhumane if everything we were already dealing with went away because of the pandemic. The pandemic exacerbates everything we’re already dealing with. It’s OK to feel like it is all too much and you can’t cope.’
‘That is an accurate translation…’ I managed, just before I gave way again.
When I recovered that time, I admitted that I felt guilty.

‘You feel guilty? Who is that guilt for?’

‘I feel guilty because I know what it is to feel helpless.’
‘When you are crying, Lost, I don’t feel helpless. I feel empathy, and I can sit here and be with you, which I hope is helpful. I am not sure whether this space has become a trigger.’
We then had an interesting conversation about the aftermath of my crying. R explained her process when she cries (crucially, it does not seem to include guilt) and observed that my fear and guilt over crying seem to be preventing me from experiencing any release.
She spoke at one point of wanting to coach me through the crying. 'It's really uncomfortable, clearly...but it's more than that. It's like it's new. You've been holding back tears for years...'

‘As your therapist, I almost want to say ‘Keep that empathy and compassion, and give it to yourself.’

‘It’s probably a question I need to ask myself, but is there something in the way I have learned to deal with emotions that needs adjusting?’

‘You spoke before about stuffing them down. It depends on what your goal is. As your therapist, and somebody who cares about you, I would hope that you could experience a ‘good’ cry.’
‘I’d like to lose the fear around it. Fear over the past and the future are stealing my present.’

R asked whether there was anything else I wanted to say coming to the end of the session. She noted that we have perhaps uncovered a new area of work, which can be overwhelming.
We did a breathing exercise focused on releasing shoulders, fear and guilt.