I binge drink when I'm alone and then end up turning into a total asshole, blacking out, getting sloppy, self harming, being loud and saying a bunch of really mean ****. it didn't start out like that...it started out that a few drinks would make me feel great...it would be the only time my anxiety went away and I could be productive without second guessing absolutely everything...then something changed. I upped the ante and would drink in secret for like, the whole day...I'd end up tired and out of it and ready to pass out by like 6pm... I know the solution is to stop drinking....I just don't understand why I still want to chase that feeling I used to get when I know it will never happen and I'll just end up being an asshole and ruining my life