I've never tried ketamine (old doc discussed it but there's no places around here administering it) but I used to take lithium. Can't take it anymore because I overdosed on it.
I don't really know what a more accurate diagnosis would be. Maybe CPTSD or BPD...
I just feel like I'm never stable. I can't remember ever not being "passively suicidal"/not caring if I died. I don't even feel particularly depressed. I went on a hike today and enjoyed it, but didn't particularly care if I died in a car crash or got murdered or mauled by a bear, etc. I constantly deal with dissociation/derealization/depersonalization. I'm never in healthy relationships. I can't stay sober for more than a day without feeling like I need the escape. On and on.
I wish I knew what it felt like to be a healthy person for a year or so.