Hi everyone, I’m new here and am hoping to ask for some advice please about something that's been really weighing on me.

In an attempt to make a very long story short(er):
I basically have maternal transference with my therapist -- she doesn't like using that term, but she's aware of how I feel. I lost my mom at an early age, and I'm now around 30 and have such deep longings to be mothered, held, loved, etc.

I am pretty open about my feelings with my T. She is receptive, but I feel when I try to get down to the brutal details (misc example: she went on a trip to Hawaii last year with her daughter, and I talked about how sad I was that I'll never go on a trip with her), she is quick to interrupt with something vaguely-relevant and then change the topic completely. She is obviously avoiding the conversation, though I think she really just doesn't want to hurt me. I am frequently furious with her, though, and very hurt despite her efforts.

That being said, she has loosened a lot of boundaries, which she says is her attempt at trying to heal these pains that I feel in our relationship. For example, she tells me bits about her life, hugs me, lets me talk to her longer than our allotted "hour," has given me her cell so I can text if I want.

So far... these little "gifts" are appreciated but also make it harder because I feel temporarily closer, which just reminds me of how not-close we actually are. At the same time, I definitely don't want her to stop doing these things. I do love her hugs...

I think the only way to get better is to discuss the "brutal" details like how she'll never love me the way I want to be loved by someone, how she'll never take care of me while I'm sick, etc. It sounds awful, but it's as if I want to be emotionally rejected and beaten down by her as much as possible to just really convince myself to stop feeling this way.
Do you have any thoughts, or has anything similar happened to you? (Thank you!)