I've been married for nearly 20 years and have recently realized that I may be in an abusive relationship. When things are good, they're just good - not great. I'm still wrapping my mind around things here. Is it abuse if it only happens sometimes? Episodes happen anywhere from weekly to monthly, and then sometimes several months go by without an explosion. Like, Thanksgiving day was bad, but the weeks leading up to Christmas were good. Then Christmas day was bad (because I wouldn't wear a certain nice outfit around his pervert dad), but then we had several weeks of good until right before our anniversary in April. Then things were good until last week when there was another blowup. When things are good, I "forget" the bad until the next episode. He yells, cusses me, insults & criticizes me, ignores and dismisses me, among other things throughout our relationship.

The second part is that I was abused in my childhood by my grandfather. When I met my husband I didn't recognize traits that they shared. Throughout the years I've picked up, and brushed off, similarities in characteristics, opinions, and habits. We've just recently began marriage counseling because I finally told him I was unhappy in our marriage. My question is, is it possible that I chose to marry some like my abusive grandfather because of the rejection I felt when that abuse ended? Like, maybe I somehow am hoping to make it work "this time"? I don't even know if that makes sense.

So, not only am I dealing with issues with the actions & words of my husband in our relationship, but also issues from my childhood that are resurfacing. Any input is appreciated. I hope this all makes sense.