Hello Iwannabefree: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

You asked if it's abuse if it doesn't happen daily. I'm not a mental health professional. But my personal opinion would be... yes it absolutely is. You mentioned your childhood relationships with your grandfather & asked if it's possible you chose to marry someone like your abusive grandfather because of the rejection you felt when that abuse ended. I don't think I'm qualified to answer that (although my gut tells me it's probably likely.) These are the sorts of issues people sometimes work with mental health therapists to figure out. And so, perhaps, in addition to participating in marriage counseling you might also want to consider seeing an therapist yourself for individual therapy.

Here are links to a selection of 13 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting your situation into perspective:

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

7 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship

Identifying Emotional Abuse in Relationships

5 Warning Signs of Manipulation in Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...abused-part-i/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...bused-part-ii/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/recove...tting-clearer/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-ch...relationships/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...a-trauma-bond/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/repeti...peat-the-past/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-th...your-marriage/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.