Thanks. I do struggle to know what I really want, or to allow myself to do what I want. There have been other periods in my life that have resulted in second guessing myself with everything I do. I think I've told her before that speaking like that is actually just telling me what she wants me to do. She says ok and laughs it off, and just carries on doing it.

I think she usually persuades me to stick to things that are more acceptable to her. The times I have totally gone against that she gets really angry at me and kind of emotionally punishes me by how she shows her disapproval. Over years she has come around from those reactions, but it is still frustrating because now she acts like those things didn't happen, whereas I'm sitting with memories of chunks of my life feeling totally unloved.