This morning it dawned on me: I feel like I am dealing with a crazy madman. When he gets angry and when he explodes into a rage on me, he's totally irrational, accusatory, insulting, demeaning, cruel and a total monster. When he's loving, he's the polar opposite, like a sweet cuddly little kitten.

I didn't fully recognize until now that I truly am walking on eggshells around him, trying to avoid the next explosion.

We've made love for the last two nights (while he's been loving and sweet), and I feel a little guilty. But please don't come down on me for that or criticize me for it. I cannot take any criticisms right now, I am human, and I have sexual needs and desires. And he is my husband.... I know it may not make any sense to have sex now while I am planning to exit, but I wanted to. And I know it's contradictory behavior on my part while I am secretly planning a divorce. But we did.

I do feel like he's a crazy person that I must navigate around. I am looking at him very differently now. A true Jekyll and Hyde personality. I wonder what else may be wrong with him aside from ADHD, depression and anxiety. I do wonder if he's a full blown narcissist. They explode whenever they are questioned.

I know I cannot diagnose and neither can anyone else. I also know there's really no point. I know all I need to know, really. But it does make me wonder if he has a personality disorder as well.