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Originally Posted by Xerox
I can't give this guy what he wants. I'm not ready for the level of commitment he is looking for.
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It's best you be clear about this then stop the communication if he's not accepting your boundaries..
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I definitely would have sex with him, for as long as he was interested. I haven't mislead him as far as my interest there.
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Have you told him this, clearly? "I will only have sex with you, nothing more." If this is something he's objected to then any further communication is misleading.
I think you've led him on. You've been corresponding with him for a long period of time now, with continued sexual ideations. You've met him once in over a month. You make plans to get together but either have no intentions or you're unsure of them, despite knowing what he's wanting from you. You're leaving him hanging and are in full control. This is what I'm understanding, anyway.
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I didn't expect that he would want to take it any further.
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He told you so from the beginning. If you thought he was a predator who planned on lying/hurting you, you ignored it. Instead, you continued to develop a relationship with him by discussing private information about yourself. These conversations weren't just about sex. If that's all you're wanting, you've given him more. A month is a long time to correspond via text.
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I guess I'm so cynical that I initially thought his wishes to take me boating and things like that we're simply a way to entice me.
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Then in this situation, it was probably best to walk away. It looks as if you were wrong about this guy and now he's been led to believe there's something great between the two of you.. and by that, because you continued to engage with him. He's seemingly excited about you, as a lonely 60year old closeted man, and it's best that you not play with his heart.
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I've considered that this guy might not be 'crazy' at all. The problem is that I'm at the maturity level of a 12 year old, and practically still live like one. For someone to express interest in me this way seems odd because I don't even have the relationship experience a kid in junior high would have.
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I'm curious to know more about this. Why is this the case? Why do you feel like this?
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The first or second time he emailed me over a month ago, he said he was considering having a 'regular casual sex friend type of buddy situation' with someone. I didn't know this is what he had in mind.
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Ok. He also very quickly mentioned about taking you on trips and having you move in with him. This needed to be addressed at the beginning, and if you did, it didn't stick because you didn't solidify that boundary.. and by that, it may have meant to block him.
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I thought that meant sex a couple of times a week for a few hours. I'd be available for that, but he no longer seems interested if I can't be a full-fledged boyfriend.
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Tell him now that you're not sure how the expectations between you escalated so quickly. You understand he's wanting more than you're prepared to offer him but that you're only interested in casual sex, a few times per week, NOT as a boyfriend. If this is something he's no longer interested in, tell him you'll need to move on without him.
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If things were different, I would consider a real relationship with him. The problem is he barely knows me, and we might not work at all as a couple. He hasn't seemed to really consider that.
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On what condition would you consider a real relationship with him? This online interaction is not real and easy to fall prey into fantasy of what could be. If you think there's a possibility, it's best you both spend time together, in real life, in a public place, and NOT at his farm. I get you're both closeted, though.
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I finally did ask him if he thought he might be so lonely that he isn't thinking clearly, and is jumping into a 'relationship' with someone who might not be right for them. He said he is very lonely, but that he wouldn't be considering any of this if I 'someone' hadn't led him on.
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It sounds like he got his hopes up. A young man half his age is paying him with a lot of (online) attention, for over a month. You've been intimate with each other and make further plans with him. It's understandable, if he's truly not a predator.
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The problem now isn't that he is a potential predator. It's that I set this guy's expectations way too high, and I'm not in a place to give him what he needs, and I need to figure out a way to handle this sensitively.
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Exactly.
What do you need in your life right now to be able to give him what he needs? What are your obstacles?