Well Im bringing this thread back front and center.

As many of you know my life has been beyond belief stressful since March with my husbands health and snowballed into me having to drop him at the ER doors and driving home alone 2 weeks ago. He is back home now with an additional problem Diabetes Type 2 , so more to get worked out.

Last week I had my phone session with Richard my T. The company requires he ask questions and depending on my answer it can lead to other questions. The First is " Since we last spoke have you wished you could go to bed and not wake up.. Often my answer is Yes, I mean who doesnt think that at times???mental illness or not. But anyway after saying our hellos... I said I'm just going to say NO , No to all the questions..

In the past when everything is going sideways Bipolar wise I knew that there was always IP if I just couldnt keep myself safe. Well now? I told Richard I simply do not have the luxury of losing it and needing IP , I cant leave Steve here alone, Between the medical stuff and not sure where he is going to be cognitive wise. its not safe. I do not have anyone to drive me 110 miles to IP anyway, Noone can stay here or pop in or even call him a few times a day to make sure he is okay. And lets not forget to add Covid to the mix..

I think often about punching my ticket and getting off the ride, Sometimes in the past with some plans and a struggle with intent , which would cause me to say OKAY time to drive me North Steve, My IP is in Nashville.

So my T and I talked in depth about how things have changed for me, When shoved in the corner I now have to hang on no matter what. So maybe in the fear filled situation I am able to reach even deeper into myself and find the bits and pieces that will keep my head above water?

There is No one that can come stay with Steve and no place I can take him ( not that I ever would) we also have 2 dogs that need cared for so maybe there is a silver lining ? Maybe I can always dig deep and hold on... Maybe Ill never need IP again?

Anyway I am rambling but if nothing else this is back on page one where someone in need might be helped by being able to express feelings on a touchy topic.