I apologize for making excuses for your mom. I guess I was trying to say, as others here did better than I, to love yourself and do what you want to do. I'm 56 and my mother still makes me feel that I'm not enough. Ironically, she now has dementia and I'm the only child willing to care to care for her 24/7. I am working on "being enough" everyday for myself. My son has schizophrenia, which has always been blamed on the mother. I still work everyday to love and trust myself. I'm all I've got at the end of the day. It's your journey, not your mother's. Maybe you should distance yourself from her for awhile (?) and go on your way. You will make mistakes, maybe. We all do. We are human. This is life, it's meant to be lived. It gets messy. Find your joy in it where you can. Big hugs. Always take care of you.