Returning to the forums after a long hiatus. I originally left because my wife had discovered what I had been posting using a unique username. I don't know if she has a Google alert for 'neodk' or what, but at this point I feel it doesn't matter anymore so I am back with this login.

Maybe it was the pandemic which was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe it was the fact that I had found myself in an endless loop of "who am I really and why am I here" and "is this really it". Maybe it's the fact that nothing brings me pure joy anymore. I have struggled the past several months with crippling depression over these points. I now find myself at what I feel is a fork in the road. Maybe I was always here, though, and I'm just now feeling that overwhelming urge to "decide" if I want to do anything about it or just tow the line and muddle through life as horridly as I see it.

I feel as if all of my life is and has been a lie. I don't think I have conversations anymore, those with just myself included, where I tell the whole truth. I want to speak the truth, my truth, and unload years of repressed feelings. I'm afraid, though. I'm afraid that once I do unload this mental baggage that everything I've accumulated, good and bad, will cease to be.

My kids are at "good ages" should the proverbial feces hit the fan if I decide to open up my life for full scrutiny. I don't expect things to remain in good standing. I'll lose my marriage, my family, my career. Fortunately I don't have many friends so that's a win, right?

I haven't been religiously taking my medications as I should. Actually I hate the term religiously/religion/all things that have to do with it. I don't believe in "god" despite being baptized after the birth of my daughter. As for my medication, I didn't realize how bad it was until I went to consolidate pill bottles and saw that I had just about enough pills to last me an additional 90 days on top of the newly received 90-day supply. It's like for three months I didn't take any meds, but I know that isn't right because I had leftovers from the previous scripts.

I'm tempted to walk out of the office right now and just drive. Where? I don't know. Far enough away that I can't easily make it back. Far enough that the tank is empty and there isn't a gas station for miles. I know in my solitude I would be tempted to submit to my thoughts and feelings. But frankly, I don't care. I just know now that if I continue the way things are, they will continually get worse and will not get better. If I choose to open up, everything will be over. Should I just grin and bear it? Should I just let the prevailing voice in my head to be heard for once?

These are questions I don't have answers to. I don't think there are any easy answers or ones that will come with fewer consequences than the other. This is where I think about looking to find the reset button on the video game console that my life plays out on. No, not the power button. I don't want that. No, I want to reset and start over. But I can't.