My depression is more intense today. The stats from last week's Scrabble club came out and i lost 40 rating points which is a lot. I feel really down and helpless and weak like there is no energy in my cells. I didn't play Scrabble today and hope to take a break which i hope will be permanent. There's nothing i have to replace Scrabble tho. But i seemed to enjoy sitting quietly outside today for hours so maybe that's okay. I've quit Scrabble a bunch of times tho and it's possible this is just the depression talking. Quitting to do nothing, just sit quietly, doesn't seem like a solution. But getting gutted by playing is not appealing either. I guess i'm just too tired for it at this point. Sitting quietly doing nothing seems better. At least i'm enjoying nature. I feel like i'm a hundred years old.

I would get in touch with my doctor for a med change but my depression is treatment-resistant. I've tried Prozac, Parnate, Manerix, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, etc. Others, but those are the ones i remember. Ketamine is only available here as a participant in a clinical trial which would require getting back in bed with the psychiatric establishment which i will not do.

I talked to my neighbor about my unhappiness with Scrabble. It wasn't satisfying but she did make an effort.

Hugs to all who struggle!