Hey Jay,
I am sorry I haven't been on the last couple of days. I have been dealing with my own mixed up feelings. I hope that you have called the suicide hot line. If you haven't please do or even better considering how strung out you are I would suggest you check into a hospital. I know that may sound scary but it isn't that bad. You get five days just to do nothing but make neat crafts and talk to a bunch of other people who are in the same place you are. I spent lots of time reading and working a communal puzzle. I felt safe and knew that they would keep me safe until I was able to think clearly again. All that stuff you are worried about...well it is just stuff, serious stuff yes, but stuff none the less. If you have a few days away from it you will have a chance to put into perspective. The people at the hospital will be more then happy to help you work through it and get a framework set up for dealing with it. They will also get you on medication to take care of the depression and they can help you get hooked up with people who can help you after you get out. Please consider going to the hospital. If it doesn't work out you can always go back to the way things are now but at least make a strong effort to pull yourself out of the fire before giving up.
Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson