Quote:
Originally Posted by neodk
Thank you for your candor, Skeezyks.
I wholeheartedly believe that the biggest lie I've ever told myself is that I'm worth it, that I am important to someone, and they would love me unconditionally. I cannot say that about my family, my friends, and my co-workers alike. For years my father would just give me things instead of the time and attention I desperately needed but didn't comprehend until it was too late. I took advantage of friendships and let people down. Instead of being honest with myself (and others) I put people through more hurt than what was necessary. I've lost really close connections over the last twenty years because of my sheer stupidity. Being honest doesn't appear to be in my DNA at all.
What do say or what do you do when pretty much everything you have said about your life up to this point in time has been manifestations of lies, some of which were years in the making?
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Well... this is not really all that different from the situation transgender people sometimes find themselves in. We've hidden our true selves for years & said & done what we thought "the world" wanted to hear & see from us. Believe me, over the years starting when I was very young, I became really good at hiding my true self. Even now at this late stage of my life, if I don't have a few secrets stuffed in my hip pocket, so to speak, (and I do) I feel as if something is missing.
In the transgender world, when one finally decides enough-is-enough & it's time to "come out" one simply has to accept there are some people (friends & family in particular) who will be accepting. And there are some who won't. The ones who are accepting are the trans person's true friends & family. The ones who are rejecting are not & they go by the wayside. But, in the process, the trans person also finds new friends who are more than happy to accept them for who they truly are. And what a joy that can be.
So I think the answer here, if you can do it, may simply be to "rip the Band-Aid off" as it is sometimes said. Perhaps begin working with a therapist, if you're not already doing so. And just start figuring out how to be honest. I can't tell you how to go about that specifically because I don't know the details of your situation. But a good therapist should be able to help you figure that process out. Apologize to people you've hurt where you can. Those you've simply lost, let it go. It's history.
You mentioned your father giving you things instead of his time & attention. One concept you might look into, if you're not already familiar with it, is that of "childhood emotional neglect". There's a forum here on PC on the subject. I presume you've seen it. Here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject (there are lots more):
Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Fatal Flaw
Invisible, Powerful Childhood Emotional Neglect
7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect
The Emotional Neglect Questionnaire
