This certainly did not occur according to my "plan". But perhaps it's best this way. It was SO hard carrying ALL of this inside of me for the last couple of weeks. He now knows. He wants to try. I don't know if I want to try. I may be done.

I think when we start believing things about how a relationship "should be", it can be dangerous thinking, bordering on idealism. Like yeah ideally, our marriage was blissful for the 1st year. And maybe it's a bad sign of things to come that it wasn't. Maybe it does mean we're doomed and we're a total mismatch.

What it says to me is that it wreaks of red flags.

I don't see him changing, and IF he does, I don't trust it will last long. I don't trust him. I told him he broke his promise to me a dozen or more times.

He really was desperate last night to hold onto the marriage. I could only listen to his tears and dribble for so long though. I sent him upstairs after some time so I could have some space and peace and quiet.

I asked him WHY he wants this marriage so badly? Security? Loneliness? Fear? He claims it's because he loves me so much.

I said if you love me that much, you never would have called me a B and all other nasty things you've said to me.

What a mess this is. I guess I feel relieved in a way that it's out in the open.