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I was raised by a mother who refused to accept weakness, or anything less than perfect (which, of course, is impossible for anyone, but I kept trying). If I wasn't working to help her in the house or yard...well, things weren't good. I had to be working any time I wasn't in school. My mom had a mental illness and her behavior was erratic.
So that demand for self-perfection is well ingrained in me. I'm excruciatingly hard on myself. At the same time, I don't have the greatest stamina, especially on meds. So while I mentally "should" myself relentlessly, I physically give out and have to sleep.
As for others, my expectations are low. Honestly, I think to myself that if someone offers anything good to me, the offering itself is already more than I might deserve. I'm very grateful, but it's hard for me to believe someone truly cares, and that they won't reject me sooner or later.
With regard to my BD almost no one in my life knows about it. So I certainly don't expect any special consideration or care because I have a mental illness.
Sooo...I'm working in therapy on changing these patterns, being good with self-soothing, accepting that someone caring about me doesn't mean they will reject me, and so on.
Good thread, Birdie.
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