I’m currently in a relationship that is causing me a lot of distress. I can’t talk to many people about it in real life because I feel like I would need to explain the “whole context” for them to understand (and this too personal and related to my past).

I have a therapist who is aware of the situation and she’s supportive and understanding. But I feel like it would help to hear from people who have had similar experiences or that understand how abusive relationships work.

To sum it up; I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My father was abusive to me and my mother in different ways, and I was the one taking care of my mother and trying to protect her from him... I never had my emotional needs met and I had to learn to stuff my feelings in order to help my mother cope with her own. Sometimes I feel like the absence of my mother hurt me more than all the abuse itself. All my life I’ve been unconsciously looking for a mother figure, in women that I would percieve to have certain traits that I needed from my mother as a kid (strong, independent, nurturing.....) I’d end up idealizing these women and doing anything in order for them to see me and validate me. However, these would always be platonic relationships (with teachers, therapists, etc) and I'd never get enough from what I needed from them.

Now as an adult I’ve found myself repeating this same pattern with romantic partners. I had an experience where I was in a relationship with someone 22 years older that I'd see as a “mother figure”. I was almost obsessed with her. I’d do anything to please her and would accept every kind of behavior. She just loved the attention and ended up taking advantage of me in different ways. When she got tired of it she just “discarded” me. I found out later on that she had been cheating on me with 2 different people from the beginning. It still took me a really long time to get over that experience.

The situation I have now is quite similar in some ways. I’m dating someone much older than me that I perceive as a “mother figure”.

I met her shortly after moving to a new country (same as in the other relationship I mentioned), so I was feeling vulnerable and lost in some ways. From the very beginning she became the “center of my life”. I’d always prioritize her above everything. I even told her this once because I was worried about how it was affecting me, and she laughed and joked about “wanting to be the center of my life”. I feel like she’s just with me because of the attention she gets from me.
She’s polyamorous and has other partners. She’s been honest about this from the beginning but it’s still hard for me sometimes.
I tried to end the relationship once but we ended up getting back together. Then she broke up with me after a few months (over the phone and out of a sudden) and I spent the following 6 months depressed and obsessing about with her; forcing myself not to contact her.

We started seeing each other again a month ago. We decided to meet to talk because I felt like I needed some closure after the way things ended (she had insisited in retaking the contact and meeting before). But then we just kept seeing each other and things have been going pretty fast.... She’s been making a lot of efforts to make me wanna stay.
I see what she’s doing and I know deep down she doesn’t care, but somehow I still wanna keep seeing her. I feel like no matter what she does I’ll always be there.

I see some differences between my other relationship and this one, because there’s more communication in the current one and the woman I’m dating now is more emotionally mature and concious than my ex. But they both have pretty strong narcissistic traits (just like my father) and the way I feel in the relationship is pretty much the same. (submissive, inferior, afraid to be abandoned and as if I never had any choices).
I don’t know what to do. I feel unable to break up and even if I tried I know it would affect me too much and that I’d wanna keep seeing her. I’ve tried that before and I was still crying almost everyday and missing her.

I also don’t get why I “need” her so much, even when I can see the truth.
I know that I'm not gonna get from anyone what I didn't get as a kid.
I've done a lot therapy and personal work, and I've come a long way... but I feel like the lack of a mother figure is one of my deepest wounds and that it always keeps coming back and affecting my life.