Best of luck. I was thinking how your situation was quite different from mine therefore not really very relatable.

You married relatively late in life, and also married quickly. I married young, and I lived with my partner for five years before getting married.

So you might have issues others can't relate to.

I don't want to comment on the car lease because I think finances within marriage is very personal and private. I am certain you weren't "duped" (what an awful word)! For most of my early marriage we had a one-pocket philosophy in that we contributed to whatever was needed equally. It only gets upsetting on the other end of marriage, I think. Because by that time mutual cooperation has failed.

You did say you knew about his pot habit and it didn't cause you any problems. This would be a major change. Major, major, major. And if he has a medical license for marijuana use...well then...IDK...it's a sticky issue.

Personally I believe that upheaval within marriage is okay as long as both parties are committed to growth and mutual satisfaction. I would have loved for my ex to have stayed with me and for us to have worked things out.

I am hoping you work things out. It's good how you are going about everything now. I am so glad your concerns came out naturally. The idea of confronting someone with others present...well, I wouldn't like that if someone did that to me.

Can an old dog learn new tricks? Maybe, if he doesn't want to lose the love of his life. Good luck! You both are in my prayers.