Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I could see where having your kid scream at you would feel really upsetting, especially if you are already stressed out. I do agree with @@ that the framing there may not be quite right in terms of setting the tone with your relationship with your child. (If you start to even think of your kid in negative terms, it can have really negative consequences all around in terms of how you interpret their behavior!) So maybe the term emotional abuse is something to mull over in terms of the effect it's having on you but not on what is actually happening in the moment. I think emotional abuse would require the abuser to have either more power or equal power to the abused, which isn't really the case with a child-to-parent relationship.
I like verbal validation as a tool. "Wow, you really want dad instead of me. You seem [insert emotion] that I'm here right now." And then staying totally calm (at least outwardly!) and not changing anything or going to get her dad. Then she can express her feelings but not have that scary feeling that she's in control. Maybe this only works with little kids, though, I don't know.
|
That seems like a good approach, and D is behind in social skills, so little-kid stuff might work on her. I do tell her that it makes me sad to hear things like "I don't like you," but I'm not sure she really cares? Or else doesn't understand what I mean? I've tried to explain to her in the sense of, what if someone said that to her, how would she feel? And she's said it would make her sad. But she doesn't seem able to make the leap to "well, then I shouldn't say it to other people, because it might make them sad." I imagine that's in large part due to her being on the spectrum, so I try not to hold it against her at all.
I feel like maybe Dr. T is just trying to have me not discount my feelings. Because I tend to empathize with others, and it would be easy for me to be like, "My hurt feelings about what she said aren't valid because she doesn't understand how what she's saying hurts me." So I think he's just trying to validate what effect all that could have on me, particularly over time (vs. a random comment). Not to see my D as an enemy or anything. Because I agree that an abuser needs to have some level of power.
I intend to talk about it more next session.