i certainly don't know this whole story, wfc, but listening to you, I am hearing shame. Shame is by far the most toxic human emotion, because whart it says is: "I am bad," as opposed to, "I did some bad stuff when I was super sick. Like pretty much all other bipolar people do." Or something.
I hope you are able to work through all this stuff and get to a place of acceptance at some level, without assigning blaame to yourself.

Sending you self-compassion and love.