Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags
I was raised by a mother who refused to accept weakness, or anything less than perfect (which, of course, is impossible for anyone, but I kept trying). If I wasn't working to help her in the house or yard...well, things weren't good. I had to be working any time I wasn't in school. My mom had a mental illness and her behavior was erratic.
So that demand for self-perfection is well ingrained in me. I'm excruciatingly hard on myself. At the same time, I don't have the greatest stamina, especially on meds. So while I mentally "should" myself relentlessly, I physically give out and have to sleep.
As for others, my expectations are low. Honestly, I think to myself that if someone offers anything good to me, the offering itself is already more than I might deserve. I'm very grateful, but it's hard for me to believe someone truly cares, and that they won't reject me sooner or later.
With regard to my BD almost no one in my life knows about it. So I certainly don't expect any special consideration or care because I have a mental illness.
Sooo...I'm working in therapy on changing these patterns, being good with self-soothing, accepting that someone caring about me doesn't mean they will reject me, and so on.
Good thread, Birdie.
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Thanks for sharing this, a lot of it resonates with me. I also had a mentally ill mother, and I can relate to being hard on yourself but not on others, and being unable to believe anyone really cares about you. My therapist thinks those issues are part of the reason why the whole covid situation hit me so hard, with the sudden loss of access to therapy, and why that felt like such a betrayal. I haven't worked it all out yet but I thought maybe there's a similar connection in your case.