Thanks for sharing this, a lot of it resonates with me. I also had a mentally ill mother, and I can relate to being hard on yourself but not on others, and being unable to believe anyone really cares about you. My therapist thinks those issues are part of the reason why the whole covid situation hit me so hard, with the sudden loss of access to therapy, and why that felt like such a betrayal. I haven't worked it all out yet but I thought maybe there's a similar connection in your case.