Remember how you said I need to try on the idea of making a big mistake and then being responsible for it? You're right of course. I did make a huge mistake like 10 years ago that contributed to our bankruptcy and yes, we've worked our way back from that. BUT I have not yet forgiven myself. Oh, I take responsibility for it, but that's all I have done, taken responsibility and then stopped there with blaming myself for the entire mess even though my mistake was only a part of it. I don't know how to forgive myself and I'm afraid as hell to make anything but little decisions ever since. So I'm frozen in my fear and will stay stuck here forever if I can't figure out how to forgive myself for that. Things are happening h is wanting to make some financial moves with our savings and I am petrified of it being a mistake. He's a bit pissed at me for not trusting him because he did get us out of that giant hole we were in - 10 years ago when we filed bankruptcy and lost our house, we came out of it with pretty much nothing - except ourselves, our clothes, a few pieces of furniture and our old cars. He even had to sell off his mother's coin collection that he had inherited. And now we have a house and 2 newer cars and a houseful of stuff and we can take little vacations here and there and go out to eat sometimes and we have savings in the bank. We've worked hard together to get to this point. So I need to forgive myself already and trust him that he's got all the angles figured out and is not putting us at risk. Part of me, my logical brain, understands it is not as scary of a thing as my emotional brain is making it out to be.


I really should talk with you about all of this. There's so much in my head right now. I wish we had been able to talk this week. Next Wednesday seems forever away.