Negative transference has been part of my treatment for four years now. It is very tiring but inevitable I guess.

For the most part it has taken the form of anger and rage. I have been extremely angry, rageful, condescending, some T's would probably consider me also verbally abusive. It's not over but I would like to think that the process has lost the most of its power. What I mean by that is that earlier times it consumed me fully in sessions, I could not see through it at all. I left my sessions very tired and possibly also feeling very bad because although I got the satisfaction of attacking my T, I did not get the satisfaction from connection. Now it still happens in sessions quite often but it runs its course much quicker. Typically somewhere around the 20-30 minute mark or so I'm able to see for myself what is happening and I can step out of it a bit to establish the connection for the end of the session. Also, there are now short islands of periods where things feel different. These typically last for 1-2 weeks but I guess they have become longer and more frequent.

I don't have any smart insights. My experience only tells that if you have such hidden anger in yourself then it might take a lot of time and patience. My T has told me that taking and tolerating my anger has been very difficult for him. When I asked what does it mean "difficult", he explained that many times he felt that my anger was really targeting to destroy him and he felt the threat to become fragmented himself by it. He said that most of the times his main job has been to keep himself together, to accept my anger while not letting it destroy him.

It is very hard to describe this kind of therapy work to anyone. When I've tried to explain it to some friends, the typical answer I get are the questions of whether I think therapy is useful for me at all or whether I think I would need another therapist because it seems that I don't like the therapy and my therapist at all. So it seems that these kind of experiences seem quite alien to people.

Letting this process to roll out also has had its consequences or results, if you will. My stance towards my mother has changed. I think I have been able to separate from her (more?) in my mind, which expresses itself in that I don't feel irritated by her, I don't feel shame because of her being my mother (the one of the earliest feeling I remember in relation to her), I don't feel that I need to explain her something or make her understand something. Sure, I don't relate to her, i.e. I never contact her and I haven't met with her for years now. But I do answer the phone calls and I don't get upset about her interactions anymore. I do keep the conversations one sided though, by listening to her and telling her nothing about me and my life but I don't feel upset about it. I think I have been able to accept that she was not the mother I needed and it's ok that she will never fully understand what effect it had on me. I have the experience that someone has been there for me with my worst moments for years and that's enough.