Over the past couple of weeks T and I have been slowly starting to discuss my childhood. She labelled it as physical and emotional abuse which I found very difficult to accept even though deep down I know that’s accurate.
Today she was talking about the fact that there is still part of me that is stuck in my childhood and that part of me needs attending to and to be soothed. When I said there isn’t anybody around me that can do that and it leaves me feeling alone and like nobody cares, she said as hard as it is, it is actually my responsibility to make this happen and soothe myself. This brought up a huge amount of anger and I just shut down and acted like a childish brat because I hate that I’m left to fix myself on my own when I don’t have a clue how to do this and all I desperately want is for someone to scoop me up and take care of me. This is the first time
I’ve felt anger towards this T and I just felt like she had completely missed the point of how I was feeling and was just telling me that a bit of self care and I’ll be fixed.
I struggle to show any kindness or compassion to myself as I don’t think I deserve it and hate myself. I don’t know how to do it which she knows, and I just don’t know how to get out of the mindset of not being able to show myself kindness. It felt like she just seemed to think I should be able to click my fingers and all of a sudden I’ll think differently.
She clearly sensed I was annoyed as she asked me if I was angry but I just said no and then pretty much shut down. I now feel stupid for acting so childish and wasting a session and I know all of what she was saying was coming from a place to try and help me, but it just felt like I’m completely alone in trying to deal with all of this mess.
I totally get that I am the only one who can get myself better and I have to change my attitude. My recovery is my responsibility, but it was so hard to hear that that part of me that is still a small child is never going to get what it needs/wants.
So I guess I’m just looking for thoughts on how to deal with realising that I’m in this alone and getting over that reality of having nobody to ‘save’ me and care for me.