Hi there! I am new to this site. I left my husband 2 days ago. We have been married for 23 years, have two grown kids and the most amazing puppy. This is the second time I've left him- the first time, he talked me into separating- we were separated for 2 yrs and got back together at the end of 2018. I love him, I don't know what I am going to do without him, but I have found that being mean to each other is not a way to be in a marriage.

We got married after I found out I was pregnant. Probably not the best idea because we had so many problems from the beginning, but we loved each other. My husband pretty much raised himself and his brother. His dad didn't have enough energy to try and stay in their lives and his mom was prone to abandoning both of them at a very young age. Needless to say, he didn't know the first thing about relationships. He did however, know how to innately show physical love and affection for both my kids and myself, an area in which I lacked.

My mom and dad are still married. My mom is difficult, judgemental and very sparing with affection. She says she loves me all the time but I don't remember being touched by her a lot when my sister and I were little. My dad showed us physical love but was very emotionally abusive to me, not necessarily to my sister. I can now say, that though I had parents who loved me, I did not have the best role models. I have realized that I have been extremely controlling and judgemental but have been working on trying to curb that side of me.

I am definitely co-dependent while my husband leans towards emotionally abusive. I say leans towards because while we were separated, he went to counseling and spoke to mentors to get his temper and gaslighting under control. He is so much better than he was and the first 9 months that we were back together were really good. Unfortunately, he did not follow through with many promises that he made for us getting back together and he stopped going to counseling once he decided he had me back.

I feel like I have made way more compromises than he to be back together. I had moved to a different state for my job. I had a place there before we separated but I moved there full time. He wanted me to move permanently back home, leave my apartment and commute to a temporary situation whenever I had to work- I did that for the family though it was very taxiing on me. Just before we had separated, he had bought a car that immediately lost it's value. I had purchased my own car that kept it's value. He wanted to get rid of his car because our payments were so high between the 2 cars, so he decided that the best thing to do was to trade in both cars for one car- He promised me my same car but upgraded. I got less of a car with a much higher monthly payment because he was so upside down on his car. He was supposed to do things with his business - he did not.

I have realized that I show my frustrations with him in public. I pick on him and try to get others on my side for the faults I see him as having. I had gotten better with it, but I have felt myself slipping back into old ways and for some reason, I haven't been able to control it. So many things about him bother me and I know it is not fare.

He did learn to hold his temper, to not gaslight and to try to listen. He is a much better father and husband. He tries to tell me how much he loves me often. Unfortunately, small ways he has treated me in the past have crept up again.

I know that I have not given him my 100%. I transferred to another city with my job- this time, I drive 3 1/2 hrs to get there instead of the 3 hour flight from where I was before. I have rented a room for while I'm down there, so I am spending extra money. I have the ability to transfer to a location 30 minutes from our house, but for many reasons I am not willing to do that- I won't have the same opportunities there and I won't have my independence.

My brother-in-law is staying at our house, he lost his job in the state where he lives, so he decided to stay with us for awhile. The other night, I kept digging into my husband in front of my brother-in-law. The next day, I apologized to my husband, but I think the damage was done, though he accepted my apology. I did something really stupid and almost broke the vacuum cleaner. I freaked out and thought he was going to start screaming at me like he would've in the past. Instead, he was sweet and patient. He told me he loved me and he hugged me.

I have dealt with rape and sexual assault. I have recently been dealing with that, trying to help others and make people realize that women still have a long way to go for equal rights. He has joked and called me an activist. He says that sometimes I get to be too much.
A package from Amazon came- it was an alarm door stop for when I stay at hotels. He questioned it because I tend to purchase a lot from Amazon. I explained that my company has sent out several e-mails about break-ins at hotels and that a woman with my company was just recently raped. He looked at me and said "Don't worry, you're not attractive enough for that!" When I tried to tell him how wrong he was for saying that, he was like, "oh, come on- you know I was joking!" He very much got on the defensive. I am a rape survivor (rape is about control not looks) and I have an issue with my self confidence. It doesn't matter that he has told me that I am pretty multiple times, anything positive he has ever said to me was wiped away in that moment. I tried to keep my composure but he continued to be cruel. I packed my stuff and I left. He didn't try to stop me, he moved his car out of the way so I could get out of the driveway. That cruel person used to come out all of the time. I have seen him only a couple of times since we separated. I told him later that if he would've punched me full force in the face, it would've hurt less than that one statement.

I apologized to him for the way that I have acted with him. I told him that I couldn't get over things in our past. I told him that I still love him, but I just can't anymore. He doesn't understand. He says he knows he says inappropriate things and even though I ask him to not joke in his mean way, he doesn't know why he can't stop. He says he knows he has to work on that but he doesn't want me to leave.

We are not happy. We are mean to each other even though we love each other.We both deserve to be happy, we both deserve to find joy in our lives. I am 47 years old, I can't keep waiting for it. It kills me to leave him because I know how much I am hurting him but that doesn't make it right for me to stay.

I am going to make him pay off my car and the taxes, but everything else, he can have. I will not fight for the house or anything inside of it. I will leave with my clothes and my kitchen supplies that I had at my other place and maybe a few pictures, but that is all. He even gets to keep our baby, the puppy, because with my job, I can't take care of a dog. My husband loves that dog so much anyway, I don't know if I could take him away, anyway.

I am so very tired