I made a mistake when I thought my brother was moving to the shore. Apparently my SIL can’t leave the county due to her job (prosecutors office). I’m not sure where they will be moving to as they hate out town but it’s the cheapest town (which is not saying much, houses in decent neighborhoods still run 225k+, plus the taxes are outrageous) in the county. I guess they are just looking to get a bigger house. I wouldn’t know, because he hasn’t contacted me. I’m afraid to reach out to him again because I’m afraid they’ll just say they are too busy to talk. He said he would call this weekend but I have my doubts.

I haven’t been able to sleep well without medicating myself. Up into all hours of the night until I finally break down and drug myself. I have klonopin and seroquel. Last might I opted for klonopin, though 3x my prescribed dose. Seroquel, even just 25mg, makes me sleep the entire rest of the day.

I am just feeling such guilt. I wish so desperately that I could go back to ten years old and step up and take care of my brother. Not disappear on him. Maybe things would be different. I know I can’t be stuck in the past but it’s hard. The only thing that sticks out in my mind is that his wife is always calling me “the favorite child”. Like my life was peachy keen and his was miserable. I just don’t understand that. I spent the majority of my teen years in and out of hospitals and long term residential treatment. It was not fun for me. But he believes her.

I can’t even begin to describe the guilt I feel for my awful relationship with my late husband.

But that’s for therapy. Just a lot to unpack.