As it sits right now, T and I are to see each other face to face on Tuesday (special occurrence). The week before last she returned to the office and all of our video visits have been from her office. I don't believe she is seeing people face to face on a regular basis if at all. We are meeting at a park near her office mostly by my request. We also believe this will allow us to go without masks if we are 6' apart. This will be the first time I will see her in person since my mom died. I was supposed to have a session the day my mom died, that turned into a phone call. The next day we had a video visit as I was still at my mom's house. She told me in that video visit that she was going to remote/video visits for all. Through that weekend, she was available to me for several emails and a phone call or 2. The next session was a video visit and she was at her home.

As the virtual visits have continued, our connection as wavered. Now the person I think about when I think of the in person sessions does not seem like the same person I have my virtual visits with. Mostly I feel this is from a transference perspective; she doesn't feel like mommy anymore. She feels like a T - a professional I hire to help me.

Part of my therapy prior to all of this has resulted in me leaving many things at T's office. There are 2 reasons I asked not to meet at her office. The first one she knows about; which is that I'd feel like leaving was saying goodbye because of not knowing when or if I'd ever see the space again. For me from that emotional place, saying goodbye is a forever thing.

At the same time, the other reason, which she doesn't know directly, is that I keep imagining packing up all of the things I've left there and in essences ghosting out of the space and starting my process of emotionally cutting off and ultimately terminating my therapy/our relationship.

I have told her that this separation (the virtual visits) has been too long. I've told her that it feels like a rupture without all the angst and anger/hurt feelings. That there's too much "what's the point" feelings.

We've also talked about how this shared event has changed our relationship. I feel bad because she has done so much. We have daily contact (either a session or an email) and have for just over a year. She's been a great T for me. She didn't cause any of this; which is so much the reenactment of my abandonment events.

I don't know if I even want to see her now. I asked her if we could do this about 6-8 weeks ago. Neither of us really thought we'd still be at virtual visits. Neither of us thought this would last as long as it has. My state/county is one that is trying to find a way to slow things back down as cases are on the increase.

And I so much want a hug from her, or other forms of physical comfort. This kind of touch was and has been forbidden/boundary. Our touch has been limited to handshakes, incidental contact, high fives, and the likes. Kind of hard to do a hug with a 6' distancing bubble. In the past, I've accepted the boundary around touch and the logical part of me completely agreed to it as it would confuse things way too much. Now, it feels just plain painful.

Not sure what I want from this post; guess I just need some place to write it out and feel like someone heard/listened and maybe even understands the grief/pain. It just all sucks.