I'm sorry you are still struggling with this.  There is such a thing as "complicated grief". Here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject including a link to a quiz you can take to help you determine if what you are experiencing could be considered complicated grief:
What is Complicated Grief?
Change Your Thinking To Change Feelings of Hopelessness
Complicated Grief: How to Get Unstuck
Grief and Loss Quiz
Best wishes... 
__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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