Before my daughter's epilepsy and depression were controlled, she used to be able to bait me. (Thank God she's much better now.)
I completely stumbled upon lots of effective tools to use with her when I went to Al Anon for the separate issue of my mother's prescription drug abuse and my dad's well-taught codependency. The Serenity approach of the 12 steps profoundly empowered me to stop reacting to my daughter as well. I felt so much more in control of my own self. There's lots of gray rock in deciding not to engage in situations that set you up to reinforce the other's view of themselves as victimized by you. (You know how when you yell back and suddenly it's you who started it all?)
Here is a deep truth: Sometimes I can have EITHER my reaction, or my goal, but not both.
So, for example, I learned that if I just quietly clean up the pot myself, I get my goal of a clean kitchen. But if I have my reaction and confront the provoking person, there's a big fight and the pot is still dirty. After I got over feeling pissed that I cleaned the pot myself, I had a lot more peace. I got my desired result without higher blood pressure.
Oh the empowering freedom!(Caveat--this is a short term or isolated incident approach. You don't tolerate being abusively treated long term. And only you can define what's too much for you.)
My daughter and I have a reciprocally loving relationship now, but that's not to say that those dealing with severe and acting out personality disorders can task themselves with that goal. It takes two to connect, but only one to disengage from destructive cycles for the sake of personal sanity.