Thanks everyone. I think I might take some time away from Psych Central. I am kind of overwhelmed with all the decisions I have to make...whether I stay or go.


Everything is compounded by Covid 19, of course.

I spoke with my son today and he said maybe he and his girlfriend will be moving. If they move out of the city a few hours away...then why am I contemplating moving 2,000 miles to be near this city? It is that age old dilemma I said I would never be caught in...moving to be near adult children. I never ever thought that was a good idea...but with Covid19 I suddenly felt I HAD to move and be near my son and his girlfriend. Today I found out the two jobs she was doing when Covid19 hit have shut down permanently...and her newer job is now also endangered because the business may close. She is obviously worried. I am sure my son is worried about his business which he only started doing full-time in 2019.


Perhaps Covid19 is causing people to rethink their lives. Now my son is thinking his business would do better in another location. He named one area that is hours away from where he now lives.


I have to rethink everything. Who am I moving for? And for what? I see now moving to be near my son could end up being a disaster if he decides to move away. I am not the kind of parent that wants to keep following my adult child all around. I was married to a "corporate warrior" and criss-crossed the country following him. I am too old for that.


I found a darling little village outside my son's city...along a river...very quaint and colonial...with spacious apartments at lower rents. I could see myself there...maybe. But if suddenly my son and his girlfriend moved a few hours away would I be happy in this little village all alone? I don't know. My son has been part of the whole moving equation. I also had a falling out with my oldest friend who lives in that area. She has made it impossible to reconcile. It is so sad. She would have loved this little village, too. But that's water under the bridge now. She's dead to me.


I will accrue debt in a big move and won't be able to afford to move again anytime soon.

However, if I stay where I am I STILL have to move because I can no longer afford my rent. Someone from a non-profit housing agency is supposed to call me this week. They said they could possibly get me into a very tiny studio. Sigh. I already live in a small studio and it is crammed. That is the whole problem with where I am living now. In the area where I now live I can only afford a 400 square foot studio...in that little village 2,000 miles away... for the same price...I saw a sweet apartment in a nicely kept fourplex building near the waterfront park...and it was 1,000 square feet with a fireplace, wide porch, and shared yard!

As someone who already suffers from anxiety...I already feel quite burdened...and now more and more stuff is piling on and I can feel my anxiety rising. After a certain point the anxiety turns into suicidal ideation and then I have to start calling the crisis hotline counselors to help me cool down. I hate when it gets to that point and am trying to avoid letting my anxiety get that bad. And still my doctor advises me to handle things holistically! Perhaps these primary care doctors simply don't understand how bad anxiety can get.

I wish I had found a decent therapist. Recently I tried again and left messages with a few and they didn't get back to me. I am certain that therapists and counselors are swamped at this time.

So if I am not back for awhile it is because I am busy trying to figure out my life and the next steps. I will have to move somewhere. It could be...five miles from here...or 2,000 miles from her. Big difference. Big decisions.

My son and his girlfriend are destabilized at the moment. What a difficult time for so many people!

I have to stay grounded so when I talk with my son I am not an added burden. You know, I need to keep my Mom hat on!

I will be back on Psych Central at some future time. Taking a break (unless I have a meltdown then maybe will be back sooner!) AND THANK YOU ALL AND STAY SAFE AND SNUG, PEEPS!