Hi, tavistock, and welcome to Psych Central! She definitely still has some emotional ties to him--guilt, perhaps some regret?

Too bad she's not willing to go to counseling. I suggest you go to a counselor to get advice. Maybe your wife will go when she knows you are going, since this issue concerns you so much.

You are not the one to help her solve this issue, I think, and as her partner, she shouldn't expect you to. I honestly think she shouldn't even be telling you about him, if the relationship is truly over.

Maybe some other folks will have some ideas, too. Again, welcome!