Once again, it's 3am and I've woken up with high anxiety. I keep replaying the scenario and feel sick thinking about it. I keep worrying that he's planning a case against me.

Yesterday he was all affectionate, cuddling and giving me massages. I feel like I have to role with it. He's "filling his bucket" so he's in a really good mood.. all optimistic and chatty.

His biggest issue with me is that I reject him. Intimacy hasn't been high on the priority, even for him, until covid19. He thinks my personal boundaries are unhealthy because I don't feel comfortable receiving his affection, particularly in front of the girls. I sometimes fake it, so they see what a healthy relationship looks like, but his expectations if me, under our circumstances, is too much.

I've repeatedly told him we're in a healing stage, and that I'm struggling with all this stuff he's put on the table. He understands and is actively doing the DBT therapy, although no longer is seeing his therapist "at this time". But when he pushes the envelope and I retract, he can't handle it.

People with BPD, I can imagine this would be very challenging for them. I really don't think he's "just abusive". I really believe there's a deeper issue. He's impulsive. I'm trying to find empathy for him because people with personality disorders do struggle. I'm unable to leave and I have to consider the positive changes I'm seeing from him. I still feel creeped out, though. My stomach cramps and breathing difficulties are hard on my body. My heart is pounding.

Does anyone have experience with BPD?