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Originally Posted by Have Hope
You're spending an awful lot of time and energy trying to figure out what's wrong with him. The DBT workbook did not stop him from being abusive towards you again recently. And now it's escalated to accusing you of abuse and telling his family that you are abusive.
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I can only work with what I've got. I think information is valuable. I want him to get help. We have 2 young daughters. This isn't just about me or being in this relationship. This could translate to how he connects with his daughters as they age and become less dependent on mom and dad. We've already dealt with Emotional Parentification and I'm not going to be able to help my daughters until I know what's happening. I won't be able to do that living in a different house.
His sister is open to talking with me. She's been supportive and I will explain to her about my concerns. Blood is thicker than water so I'm not sure what will come of it.
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Yet there are no repercussions. You are coddling him and you are enabling him. Sorry to be so blunt and straightforward, but you're not drawing the line anywhere.
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I get why you think that. But honestly, I find that to be the role of his parents. I'm the one that's pushed him out of his comfort zone. We've had many heart-to-heart talks. I'm seeing progress but it's not an overnight fix. The rejection is the big ticket for him and I'm JUST understanding it now.
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And what you're doing is explaining away his behaviors by believing he has brain damage with no proper diagnosis and that he has BPD with no proper diagnosis.
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He does have a proper diagnosis. He has Multiple Sclerosis. Most of his lesions were found in his brain. He was diagnosed with it at the start of our relationship. He gets scanned yearly and they find new lesions, yearly (except on his last one). Being a drug addict causes brain injury. He was a long time user. Thankfully that was before my time.
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You're also continuing to cater to his needs. So what if he feels rejected because you need to withdraw from him when he accuses you of abuse? So what? Let him cry, let him stew. He will continue abusing you because you are allowing it to happen.
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So what? Because little by little I'm making progress. I don't abandon my time away from him. I still take my breaks, work in the garden, and see my friends.. etc. He's adjusted. If he cries, I tell him he needs to work through it. He agrees. When he's at baseline, he's very receptive to my feedback. He says it's because of me that he wants to make himself a better person. He used to joke around by making fun of people. Even that's improving because I pointed it out. He's a lot like his dad that way.
He said he always thought he was a nice and funny guy.. but when I brought forward my concerns, he started to realize a better truth.
It's really hard for people to admit to their "faults", particularly him, IMO.