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Originally Posted by divine1966
You stated he is a good dad. Then I don’t see why it would be an issue if you split and share custody. 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever. I misunderstood that you are afraid he’ll have access to the kids alone without you and he’ll mistreat the children as he is not a good dad hence you cannot leave him (understandable).
If he is a good dad, then separating/breaking up and co parenting like other divorced couples should work ok.
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I feel he's been a good dad because I've actively been involved. If I see concerns, I address them. I find his approaches are centered to self.
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For example, she is shy around her peers. During holidays, she'd cling to dad instead of mingling with her cousins. He liked showcasing that he was "needed" and so would spend the whole time carrying her because she'd ask to be picked up. I felt he was enabling her. I had to bring it to his attention about supporting her shyness without adding to the problem. BE there for her. Don't CARRY her. Anyway, he took to my advice and she has now become more comfortable around other kids. That's the gist of the story.
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Then there's the emotional parentification I addressed. The controlling nature when managing behaviours. The tuning the girls out when they're talking with him. The "not understanding what's going on" when one is tantruming over something he's done or overlooked. It's the favouritism and exclusion. It's crying in front of the girls because he doesn't know how to handle a behaviour. It's the avoidance of following through with something because it's hard and she's "not listening" to him.. etc.
I feel like I'm having to address things with him. He does take it in. We do talk about trying different methods and about being more mindful about the girls and their needs.
What I'm more fearful of is that he'll take 60% or 100% (according to his latest threat) with the accusation that I'm "abusive". Because I've been the primary caregiver.. stay-at-home mom, cosleeper, and breastfeeder, even getting 50% is going to be hard on the girls and I. What mom would want that? Or 40% or 0%..?