Father drank a lot every weekend. Parents fought a lot, to the point my dad would always threathen my mom he would kill her. I had no siblings or friends to escape to when things were scary. My mom once hit her pregnant belly on purpose when she and my dad was fighting. Eventually she lost the baby. (?)

Things I noticed:

• as a very small child I would masturbate to disturbing masochistic thoughts. I don't remember getting molested or anything. Did not mention this to my T. Am scared of what she would think.

• I still get turned on by now more "normal" bdsm scenes. Still with the sado/ masochistic elements though.

• I had intrusive thoughts of killing my mom as a child which distressed me a lot. I could never tell anyone this. Mentioned this to T.

• When I was like 3 or a bit older I remembered putting my hand on her neck and thinking if I could kill her. I kind of felt like I liked that masochistic feeling. What in the world was wrong with me so young????

• As I got older these intrusive thoughts went away, but then I was focused on finding a female friend who is older than me to comfort me. I would feel a very nice tingly sensation (like a roller coaster ride) in my belly when people (only older females) would show care or concern or when I see this between 2 people on tv. My life would revolve around finding that person and fantasing of having someone that cared about me. Much later on these tingles sometimes also included groinal responses. Never thought much about them until now I am in therapy. It is not sexual at all. Am I messed up? I am dying of the anxiety and shame. I feel suicidal.