I can't imagine finding another partner though. I honestly can't imagine anyone finding me either physically or sexually attractive. And I can't imagine even if I found anyone that they would listen to what I want or need sexually without shaming me, making fun of me, or completely invalidating me and confusing me again about my gender identity.

@Travelinglady
Yes, I've been with people interested in oral sex...this will probably make me sound like a jerk, but it took me a while to find something to get out of giving oral sex. Not like I complained about or avoided doing it, but I do struggle with how that is supposed to be satisfying for me on the same level as it is for the other person.

I've often wondered if the main issue is not having a penis...I just don't know how to express myself sexually without one...or at least one as small as it is. So my experience of sexual pleasure is almost exclusively from masturbation and orgasm is exclusively from masturbation. But masturbation means I have to interact with my "wrong" genitals and sometimes can't get enough stimulation unless I unless I unfortunately use a vibrator but since that is 100% associated with women's sexuality, there's shame there that I have to resort to that. I didn't have such a hard time with masturbation until after my relationship dissolved and all that gender dysphoria I was able to ignore while pretending to be a girl so a guy would date me (the only person ever remotely interested in a long-term relationship I've met in my nearly 32 years of life) came back and worse than ever.

I don't think there are many books on transgender/transmasculine sexuality nor are there many doctors who could understand/help. Based on what I've read what has helped others the most is taking the correct hormones and having a partner that actually listens to and sees you for who you are, but neither may be possible for me. I was hoping someone could relate so there might be something I could do in the meantime. Or if there's any way to really enjoy sex if you are acknowledged as the wrong gender because of your body parts or how to enjoy it with the wrong body parts.