The first time I had a nervous breakdown, my parents freak on me. Without getting into too much detail, it was also the first time I really truly tried to kill myself, it was just way too much to take. The learned "almost everything" and it was everything that built up since I was in gradeschool....this time I fear will be the grand finale. There's no way I'll be able to handle seeing a shrink, especially when I won't have the time, nor the means to get there, all the while managing my studies and "social life" with people already caught up my delusion.

The only way I could manage to set things right, would be to stop everything else around me until I can put my life in order. Literally stopping time in it's tracks. I just don't know if I'm mentally stable enough to do this. I've noticed some really bad changes about me, and they are getting progressively worse. My mood is changing, I'm developing a tick, which has REALLY become noticeable this past year. I'm slowly but surely killing myself with the drugs...I just need someone to talk to. Hopefully I can find a therapist that I can pay out of pocket to, so there won't be a paper trail for my family to find out....