Hello XbeyondXtwistedX: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC.
I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.
The Anxiety forum, here on PC, is one that may be of interest to you. Here's a link:
https://psychcentralforums.com/anxie...c-and-phobias/
I'm sorry I don't know as there is a lot I'm going to be able to tell you about this. You didn't mention how old you are. (I'm 72 by the way.) However I recognize quite a bit of my own childhood in what you wrote. I had somewhat different issues than you had. (I'll spare you the details.) But it appears to me, based on what you wrote, that we each grew up with psychological problems that went unaddressed. And, as a result, we both just hid what was going on with us & did the best we could to cope. That has a huge impact on a person's adulthood I believe. At least it did in my case.
You mentioned having just started therapy for social anxiety & the emotional turmoil that has created for you. I haven't had a lot of experience with therapy myself. (I'm mostly still hiding.) But, based on what experience I have had, I don't think it is at all unusual for a person to have the experience you're having in the beginning. You're inching toward revealing, & dealing with, things you've kept hidden for years. Perhaps it's like the old saying: it has to hurt before it can feel better?
You mentioned shame. Toxic shame held within can do terrible damage. I know that because I have an ocean liner's worth of guilt & shame myself. Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on that subject:
What Is Toxic Shame?
A Brief Guide to Unprocessed Childhood Toxic Shame
Toxic, Chronic Shame: What It's Like to Live with It
Unearthing & Ridding Yourself of Toxic Shame
And then, also, here are links to 3 articles on healing your inner child:
https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...r-inner-child/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-step...r-inner-child/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...d-inner-child/
My best wishes to you. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
P.S. Here's yet another link... this one to an article that offers suggestions for how to survive suicidal thoughts:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/