I'm just so afraid to be seen as a failure, especially with all the things I've had to deal with as a kid. I can't fail my grandfather, because he always tells me " you're the oldest, you have to make something for yourself, set a good example." If my family knew even half the things going on in my mind, I'd be kicked out of the house, cut off from the family....I'm going to lose all my friends. I'm going to lose everything....Even thinking about what might happen right now is enough to make me panic. I'm sweating like a bomb squad right now....

I've built my entire life upon lies, upon lies. I'm living in a faberge egg world. I've kept so many things secret, denied so many things, made so many things up that sometimes I can't even distinguish what I've lied about and whether or not it really happened anymore. Sometimes I believe my own lies. Ugh, this is not where I saw myself at 21. I'm having a midlife crisis a quarter of the way through life....