Trigger warning for medical emergency (seizure) and mention of gaslighting.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my memories of something very distressing and my confusing feelings towards it, so I thought maybe I should post it here. I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is PTSD, but I think I may be having a few symptoms at least.



Towards the end of when I stayed with family for Christmas, my step dad had a seizure completely out of the blue in his forties, with no prior history. I don't think any of us could have even imagined that happening before. I woke up to my mum screaming, first not realising it was her in my half-asleep state, before I went into their room. My mum was obviously very distressed and said "___ has had a fit!" and I was very shocked and confused because I was still half asleep and he had no prior history, so I was just like "what...?!". My mum asked me to take my little (7 years old) sister (his daughter) out of the room as she was trying to get to him, so I did that but before that I saw him passed out on the bed.

I didn't see the initial seizure, but he started seizing again and it's probably the most horrific thing I've ever seen in my life. I'd never seen it in real life before so was really shocked. Seeing how his body moved, the noises and how terrified and upset my mum was - she was screaming and crying and helpless, not knowing what she could do to help her partner. From what my mum described, the first part sounded even more horrific. My mum believed he might have been having a stroke because of the way his face went, which was terrifying. I've had difficulties with health anxiety that have included checking myself for strokes (based on the adverts I've seen that tell you what to check) even though I was very young, so that brought up some of those issues. After freezing up for a bit, I called for an ambulance and the person on the phone asked me to go to him and tell them when he took a breath. At one point when he was recovering, my mum asked if he knew who he was and he answered my little sister's name, which my mum was very upset about. I watched him for a while when my mum needed to do something quickly and didn't want him to be left alone. When the ambulance arrived, he was conscious with no recollection of what had happened, but him and my mum went to the hospital for him to be checked out.

I basically spent most of that day spaced out, unable to get into any activity. Had multiple anxiety attacks that night. My mum felt traumatised too, while my little sister didn't initially understand what had happened (though later repeated talking about the story of the seizure so it definitely affected her badly). I went back to where I live shortly after - I was going to skip the new year's party I'd been planning to go to and stay longer, but my mum was adamant I should enjoy myself, so I did. Back where I live, I was kind of 'mostly okay' but sometimes I would think about the seizure and feel extremely distressed - I'd remember parts or all of what happened. Occasionally I'd have nightmares about different health stuff happening to my step dad, such as him losing limbs.

However, a few weeks ago I went to stay with my family again as we decided it was safe for me to travel and I'd missed them a lot with not seeing them due to the virus. The last time I'd seen them in person was when I stayed for one night for my sister's birthday party. I was so excited to be with my mum and sister, but the memories and issues of what happened have come back really strongly, as I'm back where it happened. I never dealt with it when it happened and I guess my mind pushed it back, like out of sight, (somewhat) out of mind, but now I can't get away from it and it's overwhelming.

I also have a lot of guilt about my mental reaction to the situation as I feel like I'm being self-absorbed and pathetic by making someone else's medical emergency about me - especially when I don't even like my step dad, which makes me feel conflicted about my feelings. We've had quite a difficult relationship and I'm pretty sure he has gaslighted me a few times in the past, so I feel weird about things. Obviously it's worse for him, even if he doesn't remember it, and my mum and sister who love him. My mum literally thought she was going to lose her partner and the father to her child, and my very young sister saw something horrible that would have been difficult for her to process. I haven't discussed with my mum how she's feeling about it and if she's still feeling traumatised. Even though I don't like him, I recognise his importance in the lives of my mum and sister who I love.

I've been having intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to him, such as another seizure (even though he's been on medication ever since and it hasn't happened again), or imagining him being badly brain damaged and my little sister not understanding why he can't do things anymore. I already had intrusive thoughts, but I think what happened has given my imagination more ideas for what horrible things to think about? Sometimes in bed now I'm here, I start remembering it and feel shaky, heart palpitations, dizziness etc and have to go on my phone to distract myself because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts and them go to that. I put off going to bed sometimes for that reason. I've always had sleep issues, but that obviously doesn't help. I'm struggling to concentrate and often feel on edge. I feel like I have to look at him every so often to make sure he's not going to have another seizure.

Sorry for the essay, but I really wanted to get this out.