When we met, I had just left a marriage. My son was also going through a particularly challenging time since he hit puberty. I had also decided to abandon my family due to a long history of toxic behaviours which was affecting my mental well-being. He was very kind to me, affectionate, and supportive. At first he was just my escape from reality. I felt isolated, overwhelmed, and beaten.

He helped me through some of my challenges with my son. He was very understanding about his condition and didn't judge him. So, I felt very supported.

Prior to us dating, I had known of him for many years through different means. We lived in the same community and was always friendly towards me, in passing. He was interested in dating me for many years but 1) he was also dealing with an addiction at the time 2) I was involved/married.

At the beginning of our relationship, I thought he was a really nice guy. We didn't argue at all. There were definite red flags around boundaries and clingingness.

As our relationship progessed, I had changed my mind about not wanting more children. I realized I was just afraid to, due to my son's health. It was a reason why I walked away from my marriage. I also hoped my son would one day settle (which he has). I always wanted him to have siblings. He, too, wanted sisters for as long as I could remember... I didn't want to "leave this world" with him all alone. So, we opted to have children. We wanted 2 so the girls could have each other growing up. I don't regret this decision as they are wonderful girls.. very loving, affectionate, kind, and fun. I love seeing them interact with their big brother.

I didn't understand these behaviours as "abusive" until very recently. He wasn't physical. He didn't scream/bully me as an abuser would (except during this current incident).. and I had never heard of "gaslighting", "covert abuse", and "emotional dysregulation".

No one is perfect. When we'd "butt heads", I thought he was just being a "jerk".. lacked "filters" .. was being "insensitive".. never "abusive".

Also, I've always lived a very busy life. I worked with various teams with my son.. worked full time plus tutored on the side. Having my daughter added further busyness to my schedule. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my second (third) that things started to become concerning for me.

Since covid19 especially, I've started seeing things very differently. So now I'm just trying to make sense of it all.