I'm just posting this as a follow up.

I really, really appreciate the help and support from you all. I've re-read these posts quite a bit in the last 6 weeks.

I felt validation, I felt like it was OK to be human, to have made bad choices, but human choices. Thank you for seeing me as a person who's trying.

Things continue to just be.... really different around here.

I genuinely stopped being afraid of being left, or at least tried to stop being afraid.. I quit frantically trying to hold everything together in our home. I began saying things like "I don't know how that's going to get done. I can't take on any more. I don't know where the money is going to come from for that. I can't take on any more. I don't know how you're going to get that course done. I can't free up the time to jump in." And I began sitting more.

And stuff is getting done.

She's doing more, and taking more responsibilites. When I'm working on a home project, things are going more smoothly because I'm less stressed.

The kids are happier.

My wife told me that she disagreed with my jumping in and pushing through the Covid shutdown, and home schooling the kids, because the most important thing was to mitigate their anxiety. We have years for them to get caught up on school again. I listened and chilled out. OK. Let's just keep them happy and positive. Maybe I tried too hard on that one.

When the kids have been disrespectful towards me, I haven't disciplined them. I've said, "I've done too much for too long to be spoken to like that, and so has your mother. I deserve better than that." In front of their mother. Without fail, it's worked. They have apologized every time.

When my wife has gotten really angry and started cutting me down, I have said, "You don't get to be right about everything and win every argument because I did something that hurt you. I've done my apologies and made my amends. If that isn't enough, then I can't do more. I'm not chasing you any more. There's no games. I want to be here, with you. But I'm not going to chase you and beg you to stay, or keep apologizing for the rest of my life."

Also, during these times, if she has pointed out a failing of mine, I've pointed out a strong quality, like, "Yes, maybe I got that wrong, but I've tried to make things right. I'm a good dad, I'm a hard worker, and I'm a pretty good husband. There are a lot of things I do right." I have never counter-attacked her weaknesses, but I won't accept this stuff from her without standing up for myself.

The anger stopped. It took several weeks, but things really feel different these days.

My wife began leaving hand written notes of appreciation on my pillow. She has told me she has made a lot of mistakes for a long time, and has told me she is happy I'm with her.

She buys me thoughtful little things to surprise me when she goes out. A little bottle of my favorite whiskey, or something I like to eat.

In the last few weeks an aquaintance lost her husband very suddenly, and it left her in a bad financial way. My wife and I contacted her and have been helping her through this, helping with arrangements, helping with work on her home. We went to express our condolences, and realized there was a need, and just offered,

Since then, I've talked with my wife about all that I have in place to ensure she and the kids are looked after should anything happen to me, and told her I want to expand it to make sure they are looked after so that, if I'm gone, she will never have to worry about working. I know she has health concerns that limit her. Adult love isn't just romantic. It is about responsibility, and I don't run from responsibility. That conversation produced a lot of appreciation from her as well.

I don't know if this is going to change again, or if this is the start of something long term. It's good though.

Thank you. Talking with you all, and your insights, and your validation gave me some footing for this. It was important for me to change me. Because she is someone who has been through trauma, it was important for me NOT to counter attack her. She needed validation too, and even when arguing I've been giving that, but not accepting the insults.

RDM