If I understand what's happening, I can depersonalize it to avoid being triggered and react. I can view the scenario as an outsider and proceed differently. When I react, the scenario worsens. Had I remembered he was feeling rejected, from earlier in the night, I wouldn't have personalized his disregard and shut the door on him. I would have connected the dots and later addressed the rejection piece somehow.

I do agree, the workbook alone is not enough. Our therapies are short term, due to our benefits package. We're only allowed up to 6 sessions per file. So it made sense to me that he opted to work through the book a bit before setting another appointment. I reminded him the other day I want him to book another appointment. And ya, him addressing the "rejection" piece is what I believe he needs to address during his next session, and how he behaves around it.

I'm really more interested in the patterns of behaviour. I'm now able to notice that when he's triggered and has become emotional/abusive, one of three things has happened:

If I keep this list in the forefront, I can navigate through it differently. I can label it for what it is and keep things in perspective. I NEED to do this for ME.

The sticky notes is work done through the DBT. It was a trigger for me to read those messages but I get it's the "assignment". I'm just glad he's doing something about it.

My greatest stress isn't that he behaves in this way. I mean, telling me to move out and his "plans" around the girls, definitely has been hard to work through. But the stress is seeing him become an entirely different person. The term "splitting" really resonates with me. I feel that's exactly what is happening and don't need a doctor's validation around it. Again, a lot of this is done behind the scenes. This particular scenario, was not. I'm part to blame, though. I should not have reacted in the way I did, by 100%. Abusive though? I'm struggling with that.

The other stress for me is around his understanding about what's happening. It really does seem like he switches into momentary "paranoia" and reacts from it. When we debrief, his understanding and willingness to see things from my perspective, alters significantly. It's that "lizard brain" that interferes.

The biggest abuse I feel is when he's in this state AND involves others. He doesn't go back to them, after the fact, to clarify anything. He's "confided" to them he's "made mistakes" and is an "emotional person" .. to which he says they're all very supportive of him. But he doesn't clear my name nor does he admit that his "mistakes" are abusive. He struggles with admitting that to HIMSELF. These people, his family/NEIGHBOURS and friends are very guarded against me. They all give me that same disapproving "look" when they see me, which validates him further if he even notices. It feeds into my insecurities and isolates me further. It's all about preserving image. His dad is the same way and a known gossiper. I don't doubt he's "disclosed" information.. aka, my partner's "stories" to help preserve both their images. Anyway, I could go on more about that.

I do believe there's a probability that his previous drug use and MS play a significant role here. Brain damage plays out in many different ways and he's been made aware of that. I don't see him as a classic abuser. I've been with one, already. My siblings have all been with multiples, too. I lived with it as a child. My experience with my partner feels different to me. There's a parallel between my son's behaviours and his.. we used to joke about some of it. Brain injury.

So, I'm going by the recommendation he received by his therapist. I've done enough research to believe in my heart, that despite whether or not BPD or MS or brain injury is a factor in this, the DBT therapy will address the BEHAVIOURS.