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Originally Posted by Have Hope
I acknowledge what you are saying about seeing improved behaviors in some ways.
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Thank you.
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However, I stand by my original stance: the DBT workbook did not prevent him from accusing you of abuse, raising his voice at you in front of the child, and yelling that he will call the police and social services.
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The DBT book is not a magic pill. It'll take time. He believes he raised his voice because he went into "protection mode".. it's that "momentary paranoia" I feel played itself out. He was stuck in his head. He really believed I went into his room to "steal" our daughter away "against her wishes". He fell into the triangulation and still is unable to understand how the scenario unfolded.
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I also think that instead of addressing his abuse directly with him, that you are learning how to adjust and modify YOUR behaviors to accommodate his insatiable needs around rejection, perceived attacks, and whatnot. This is basically modifying how you respond so that you don't trigger him into abusive behavior. Again, I think you're coddling him rather than addressing the fact that he is abusive.
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You keep saying I'm not addressing the abuse. I have and multiple times. I've been point blank that his behaviours were abusive. Having me on a short leash is controlling. I HAVE to adjust my behaviours IN THE MOMENT. It's survival instinct. The work takes place afterwards when he's back at baseline.
I'm still setting boundaries, despite knowing it's a trigger for him. I'm still taking my breaks, despite knowing it's a trigger for him. I'm still having these conversations with him, knowing how hard it is for him to face his faults. I'm not changing myself.