It's no doubt a very difficult position when you are being abused and need to figure out what to do and how to respond. I know this position, because I have experienced it myself.

I am not coming down on you.... I am simply trying to tell you that while you are acknowledging on here that it's abuse, you are not confronting HIM with the fact that he is abusive and that his behaviors are outrageously offensive, divisive, and unacceptable.

Instead, you're trying to learn how to better respond to his needs around rejection so that he doesn't get triggered.

If he's not told straight out, that is unacceptable! I will NOT tolerate this behavior! And if It continues, I will not be a romantic partner for you! Then the behavior is going to continue and it will escalate further.

Debriefing him each time is not going to cut it unless you tell him that his behavior is not allowed and is entirely unacceptable to you.