I’m drinking a coffee right now. The caffeine will kick in and maybe jump start this. I have thoughts about taking an extra Vyvanse but I’ll be up all night and need to wake up early for work in the morning. Have to be responsible right?

There’s many people that have died when they didn’t need to die during those moments. For some reason, I’m still alive. I know God is real but I don’t really believe in God. I’m also an atheist - Kind of hard to explain. I should have been dead many times over. People commit suicide. I’m still in a form of slow suicide. I’m not really clean right now.

At the times I should have died, I feel like the timeline of reality just carried on with me - And I went to hell which is my current reality. Sometimes I can feel good - But mostly while self medicating.

I try not to glorify my drug use. I remember in rehab, I was talking about alcohol and my experiences and one woman said “You’re glorifying” which made me really upset because what does it matter? Alcohol to me seems the most glorified boring drug - But people like it. People kill pain with it. It’s like society makes a realm for people to buy into just to fit in - Like sex for example. People think they’re not attractive enough and want to be with someone that is more attractive than them? Idk. I just find the whole thing meaningless.

Maybe I’m not in the right mindset to write. I’m gonna wait for the caffeine to kick in and then continue. I might continue until this thread goes up to 100 pages. I’m listening to rap about addiction right now playing on the loudspeaker. My mom has neglected me emotionally - Although she’s done that all of my life. She praises me over little things - And I’m glad that she doesn’t vent to me about her problems like other neglectful mothers do. I sometimes wish I knew more about her. A lot of the reason I’ve used was because of neglect, abuse, trauma - Also most importantly, I have an interest in pharmacology. My interests are really generalized and I’m somewhat intelligent and now because of psychedelics, I’ve become extremely open minded.

I just want this thread to be dry as possible and non-glorifying of drugs. Because maybe that’s what I need. I’m too over excited about things and too playful. I have a dissociative persona that I escape into to stop feeling pain. But I want to be real.

More to come when the coffee kicks in or tomorrow after work when I get to take another Vyvanse and I’m able to focus..