Last night I may or may not have called my sister and sent a letter through Facebook to my brother with an emotional plea to forgive me. (ok, I did.) I’m a bit embarrassed by it today but I feel it’s off my chest now, so that’s good.

Without getting into it, I realize my siblings are right and I’m more like mom than I would like to be — the good and bad and knowing how I’ve hurt, it kills me to think I’ve hurt them like mom does: I know my brother especially feels that way. I was too much of a coward to call him and I made an excuse it was late and I didn’t want to wake him (which is true; but I was Just evading having to hear his response in real time with his own voice). I told him that, too.

Anyway; I’m not close with my siblings and I’ve no want to try again.. I hate that I feel that way but I do. But they deserve better than how I’ve treated them over the years and I wanted them to know how deeply sorry I was.

I guess I did the right thing and it came from a good place but I’m afraid I caused more concern. It may read like a bedside confession and it’ll be my last. I mean that’s easily cleared up but I’m afraid it’s gonna cause more problems than it solves now. I mean my siblings haven’t been around mom in a constant setting like I have in 10+ years, or know how I am affected or anything about my life: My brother hasn’t replied but he has seen the message so that’s good. I was worried he wouldn’t because I don’t use Facebook so I don’t have him as a friend there and I thought they might scrap it and put it in “requested messages” or whatever. He works early so he probably saw it but didn’t have a chance to reply (or even read it!
At the end of the day, my goal was to apologize for hurting them, especially considering what we’ve been through and come from. I hope that was clear as my intent.